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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24232051">Subterranean Homesick Alien</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Asexual Castiel (Supernatural), Castiel's Father Being an Asshole (Supernatural), F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Homophobic Language, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, No Smut, POV Alternating, but i cant write smut to save my life, im sorry, might add more tags later?, we only meet sam near the end</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 18:55:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,264</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24232051</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>At the end of the 20th century, life is beginning to look up for Castiel. Coming to the end of his time at University, he dreams of escaping his small town life and becoming a writer. But there are many obstacles standing in his way, and Cas is determined to get through them.<br/>Then someone new comes into his life: Dean Winchester. Leather jackets, heavy metal rock, a cool car, he has experience of life outside everything Cas knows.<br/>But the two boys are risking a lot for love, but they both have big dreams, and they're both going to make them come true together.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>-August 1998-</strong>
</p><p>Castiel was sitting on the sill of his bedroom window, his legs dangling outside the house, over the garage roof below him. His window was not too high for him to feel scared, but it was just high enough for him to feel free. The sky was dark, and the night was warm. There was no wind, no movement. The whole town seemed to be sleeping, and the only noise was the sound of cars on the main road every few minutes. The peace of the moment filled Castiel, making him feel relaxed and happy.</p><p>The summer was coming to an end, and soon Castiel would begin his final year at University. So far, his course in English Literature had been going well. He only had two semesters to go, and then he would be free. Free to leave Wyoming, free to travel to Europe, free to write whatever, whenever, wherever he wanted. Free from the oppression and fear he lived through daily...</p><p>Castiel breathed in deeply and smiled. Things could start looking up for him. Things could change.</p><p>His thoughts were interrupted by a knock, and the sound of his door opening. A short gasp sounded, and Castiel turned around to see his older sister, Anna, standing in the doorway.</p><p>"I didn't say come in." Castiel said, smiling at her.</p><p>Anna raised an eyebrow in return and huffed a little. "You shouldn't be sitting there and you know it." she scolded. Castiel sighed and swung his legs over the windowsill and back into the room. He slid off the sill and leaned back against the frame, looking at Anna. She nodded and walked towards his bed, sitting down lightly on the edge. She looked at Castiel meaningfully. "Sit." She patted the space next to her, and Castiel obeyed, walking over and sitting cross-legged next to her on the bed. She looked at him for a few moments, a small smile on her face. "You know, Cas, out of the five of us kids, you're definitely the weirdest." Cas frowned slightly, making Anna smile wider. "And I mean that in the best way possible."</p><p>Anna put her arms around his shoulders, and he leaned on her obligingly. Cas loved his big sister. He felt lucky to have someone like her in his family. She was brave and stubborn and fair, and was always good at breaking up arguments. Cas looked up to her, and would miss her when she was gone.</p><p>"I won't see you tomorrow morning." she said quietly.</p><p>Cas sat up straight and looked at her. She turned to him and met his eyes. "Why not?" He asked.</p><p>"I'm leaving early." She explained. "I'll be gone when you wake up."</p><p>"But you still have a day left, don't you? Weren't you gonna stay until tomorrow evening?"</p><p>"Change of plans. I'm actually leaving in a couple of hours, hopefully at 2. And if you" she poked him in the stomach playfully. "know what's good for you, you'll be asleep by then." Cas smiled. And she smiled back, but then her expression changed, and she stared at him seriously. "I'm serious, though, Cas. Take care of yourself. Don't give up on yourself." Cas rolled his eyes and looked away. "Don't give me that, Castiel. You know I'm right. Take your pills, don't keep yourself awake. Avoid dad whenever he's in a bad mood, and please don't let yourself fade out again."</p><p>Cas stared at the ground, feeling guilty all of a sudden. '<em>Fading out</em>' was the phrase they used to describe what happened when he was irresponsible enough to 'give up on himself' or 'let himself go', whenever he wasn't careful, like when he'd pull all-nighters to study, or stay up late listening to music or reading or writing, or when he 'forgot to' take his medicine that Doctor Lee prescribed for him. It was always hard on the rest of his family, and usually ended up in him fighting with his dad.</p><p>And Anna was always the one who'd stop it. She was good at calming their father down, and comforting Cas. That was why she'd been living with them for so much longer than she needed to. It had been crazy the first time she'd gone, 5 years ago, when Cas was still in High School, and she left for College. Three years without her had driven the rest of them mad, with just their father, Gabriel, Cas and Rachel stuck by themselves. When she came back, things immediately calmed down. That was the effect she had on everyone.</p><p>But now she was leaving for good, moving out, to live with her fiancé, and Cas would have to learn to take care of himself and Rachel. Gabriel still lived in town, but without him in the house 24/7, things were going to be difficult. So all Cas had to do was take his meds, look out for Rachel and keep out of his father's way. Easier said than done.</p><p>"I don't want you to go, Ann." Cas muttered. He really meant that. He felt this heavy weight in his chest, like fear, whenever he thought about life without her at home. Anna gave him a sad look, and Cas couldn't help feeling he'd disappointed her in saying that.</p><p>"Cas, please." she sighed. "You're almost 22 years old, and you're acting and living like a 17 year old." Cas stared at her. "You have to take some initiative for yourself, now. You can't rely on me and Gabe to protect you for the rest of your life. You have to pick your<em>self</em> up from time to time. That's something you should know by now!"</p><p>Cas suddenly felt angry. He'd always been angry about Anna leaving, but that anger had been outweighed by sadness, and the knowledge that he'd be seeing her again. But now, every ounce of the abandonment he'd felt since she'd first announced she was leaving rose to the surface. He couldn't contain it. He'd never been able to. So it all came out.</p><p>"It's not my fault I've lived like this my whole life! It's not my fault Dad treats me the way he does, and it's not my fault I'm like this!" Cas exclaimed, trying hard not to raise his voice too much. Anna was already looking like she regretted what she'd said. "I don't know why I've ended up like this, with the dreams and the sleeplessness and the pills and the therapy, but you've always helped me when it's gotten out of hand, and now it just feels like you're abandoning me! I always relied on you and Gabe, because I never had anyone else! And Michael was no help at all, neither was Dad. And now both you and Gabe are gone, and I'm left to look out for myself AND Rachel." He paused for a breath, but went on before Anna could cut him off. "There's so much that's wrong with me, you don't even know."</p><p>You really don't know, he thought to himself. There's so much you don't know about me.</p><p>Anna's sigh broke the silence, and she put her hand on Cas' shoulder. "You have dreams of travelling to Europe to write, don't you?" Cas nodded, taking deep breaths to calm himself. "But to do that, you have to learn to be independent. You can't just sit here until you've finished your studies, and then afterwards try and figure something out. You have to start now. Maybe my leaving will encourage you to set your mind to the task you're hoping to do. You need money, you need a place to stay when you get there, you need a plan of what you'll do. And I know you can make it, I'm rooting for you. I want you to get out of this boring ass little town and see the world and find your inspiration. But to do that, you need to get up and get started right now. And you are fully capable of doing that by yourself."</p><p>Cas bent his head, tears springing to his eyes. He wiped them away furiously. Anna had a point. He shouldn't have lashed out at her like that. But all these feelings he'd been holing up inside... It was like he was a bottle of Coca Cola, and for so long he'd been shaken around, and up and down, over and over. And Anna leaving was the Mento dropped in, making him explode.</p><p>"I believe in you, Cas." Anna comforted him. "I know you can do it. And you know Rachel is smart and responsible, so she won't be a problem." Cas nodded. "Look at me." she cupped his chin in her soft hands and lifted his face to look at her. "Take care of dad. Take care of Rachel. And take care of yourself. Okay?" Cas nodded and Anna smiled warmly. "Good." she murmured, and pulled him into a hug.</p><p>"I'll miss you." Cas said, his voice muffled in her shoulder.</p><p>"I'll miss you, too.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The next day, Cas woke up feeling terrible.</p><p>After Anna had left his room the night before, Cas had done what she told him to. He'd changed into his pyjamas, cleaned himself up, said goodnight to Rachel, took his pills and went to bed. He'd tried to go to sleep, he really had, but his mind just stayed switched on, buzzing in his head, keeping him awake. He'd lain awake for hours, long enough to hear Anna pulling out of the drive outside, and he'd listened until the sound of her engine had completely faded.</p><p>He felt guilty for not sleeping, and worried about how it would affect him the next day. He would be completely drained and exhausted all day, and probably behave awfully as well. The thought of that kept him awake even longer.</p><p>He thought about taking two more pills to get him to calm down. But he remembered what Dr Lee had told him about overdosing, and that scared him, another factor that kept him awake.</p><p>Eventually, he did get to sleep, but by then it was at least 4 a.m. And then he had an anxiety dream about his first day back on Campus. In his dream, the rest of the school had gotten calls about classes starting a day early, but Cas hadn't received the call. So on the day he arrived, everyone else had already gotten settled in, and Cas had missed his first four lectures and a whole day's worth of coursework. The dream made him feel unsettled even in his sleep, so, at 7:27, when Cas opened his eyes he felt the utmost feeling of dread and worry in his stomach.</p><p>He sat up in bed and stared out of his window. The sky was clear and the weather was warm and calm. Cas should have felt relaxed by that. The weather always affected Cas' mood, and blue skies and no wind at the beginning of the day always made him feel calm first thing in the morning. But even as Cas stood up and got dressed, the feeling in his stomach wouldn't go away.</p><p>He made his way down the stairs reluctantly, dragging his feet and yawning. Rachel was already down, making breakfast for herself in the kitchen. She was 17, almost 6 years younger than Cas, the baby of the family by quite a long way, but somehow had grown up to be the calmest, most level-headed and thoughtful person in the house. She was wise beyond her years, a fact that both amused and amazed Cas. So, as Cas was starting his final year of Uni, Rachel was starting her final year of High School.</p><p>"Morning, lazy." she smiled at Cas as he walked in.</p><p>"Hi." he replied, smiling sleepily back at her.</p><p>The morning passed in a blur, and soon Cas was waiting at the bus stop with Rachel, watching the road, waiting for the bus to come. Eventually it did, and Cas boarded it, behind Rachel and her friends, who were chatting excitedly about the start of the new semester. Cas was looking forward to it too, but he couldn't get the anxiety dream of his mind. He knew the dream wasn't real and he hadn't missed a surprise first day, but he felt nervous anyway.</p><p>He relaxed a little when he saw a friend of his on the bus, Andy Gallagher, a kid in the class below him. Andy was reading a comic, but he looked up as Cas made his way down the aisle and smiled when they caught each others' eyes. Cas had always liked Andy. They'd known each other since High School, Andy had joined as a Freshman when Cas was a Sophomore. So Cas felt comfortable sitting next to this sweet, awkward Junior, and they talked about the Fantastic Four, and Twin Peaks and the coffee house on Main Street.</p><p>Finally arriving on Campus, Castiel and Andy parted ways to each go find their friends. Cas met up with Charlie and Uriel, and the day carried on pleasantly, with the classes relaxed, the professors friendly for the first day, new students being introduced and shown around, everyone catching up with friends they'd not seen over the summer. It was not at all like Cas' dream.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>some changes have been made since i originally published this<br/>in the first place, Rachel is Cas' older sister who is leaving and Anna is his younger sister who he needs to take care of<br/>I've switched their roles, so that it fits more into the Supernatural storyline<br/>hope this doesnt confuse anyone<br/>thanks so much for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean was not happy. He was not content. But he was going to get through it all without complaining because he knew he was doing what Sam had wanted.</p><p>Obviously, Sam hadn’t exactly wanted Dean to move to a small town in Wyoming and get a job as a janitor at the university there, but somehow this was where Dean had ended up. And it seemed he was stuck there for a while until he figured out what his next move was and got the money for it. But Sam had wanted Dean to start afresh, find a new life, start a new path. And that was essentially what was Dean. He'd picked a random spot that was close enough to Kansas for him to feel comfortable, but also far enough away for Sam to not think he was acting too protective or clingy, and he'd started over.</p><p>The first week had gone well. The work was pretty simple, and Dean got the hang of it quickly. It was definitely not ideal, and Dean always felt dissatisfied, like he was wasting away in this dumb, perfect little town, but it was a good enough substitute until he found something better.</p><p>And the students on the Campus were all pretty friendly. He’d already spoken to a few of them, some would deliberately come up to him at the end of the day and hang around, talking to him. A few people made an impression on him, and he hoped to become good friends with them. There was Jack Kline, a dorky Freshman who had helped Dean clean up in a hallway after a kid had thrown up there, and then had spoken to Dean every time they passed in the hall. There was Jo Harvelle, a hot-headed blonde in her Senior year, who had a lot to prove and who Dean had felt a little intimidated by when he first spoke to her.</p><p>Then there was Charlie Bradbury, a funny, kinda crazy, stubborn redhead who’d spotted Dean on his very first day on the job and struck up a conversation with him that was so animated, it was like they’d been friends for years. Over the week, Dean had found himself opening up to her a lot, in a way he'd never done with anyone. But Charlie had a way of getting him to talk, and so in just a week, they'd become great friends, and now Dean knew she was into girls, and she knew he 'swung both ways', as they put it.</p><p>And there was one guy who Dean kept seeing, but who never seemed to see Dean. In the 7 short days he'd been in Wyoming, he'd already found someone he couldn't take his mind off. Dean had never been close enough to get to know him, but from the distance he kept, he could see he was interesting. And unbelievably attractive. He had dark, unruly hair, and an adorably peculiar dress sense. He always dressed kinda preppy, with shirts and v-necks and ties. Dean loved it. He knew the guy was a friend of Charlie's, so Dean had asked her who he was. His name was Castiel, and Charlie said he was a proper dork, and one of the smartest students in the grade.</p><p>"Why do you ask?" she'd added, after telling Dean.</p><p>"Just curious, I guess." Dean had replied, shrugging. He had still been looking at Castiel, who was sitting under a tree with a book in his lap. But when he turned to look back at Charlie, she was looking at him weirdly, with a smirk and one eyebrow raised. "What?" he'd inclined. But she'd just grinned and said: "Oh, nothing."</p><p>Week two came by. Dean was beginning to feel better, more at home, but even then he couldn't help feeling that there was still something missing. He missed Kansas. He missed Sam. He missed having some sort of purpose in his life. All the while he'd been in Albany, Wyoming, he'd had this feeling eating away at his mind. It was something like dissatisfaction, but deeper than that, and it seemed to increase, little by little, every day.</p><p>But his newfound friendship with Charlie and Jo and Jack and a couple of others made him feel welcome enough, so he sucked it up and decided to make the most of it. This had been his own choice, anyway, and if he ended up finding a new, good life here in this tiny, conservative town, he could find a new source of happiness, and maybe even make Sam happy.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Someone had flooded the man's toilets. A petty, stupid prank worthy of Second Grade, and one that Dean had to clean up. He cursed under his breath as he pulled his mop bucket and supplies down the halls with him. How could college students be so fucking childish? Dean heaved a great sigh as he opened the doors. The first thing he noticed was the god-awful smell, then all the water on the floor, and then he looked up and froze when he saw who was already in there.</p><p>Castiel. He was bent over a sink, eyes shut tight, splashing water on his face. Dean stood for a moment, watching, and then cleared his throat. Castiel jumped and looked at Dean, seeming a little embarrassed. </p><p>Dean had never been close enough to see the colour of his eyes, but now he noticed how startlingly blue they were. Electric and bright, but at the same time subtle and soft. They were beautifully framed by immaculate, thin eyelashes. Dean wanted so much to look at Castiel properly. To look at his lips and his cheeks and his neck- But Castiel was looking right back at him, and Dean didn't want to seem like some sort of... pervert.</p><p>"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." Dean said, interrupting his own thoughts. He tried keeping his tone casual and friendly, when the truth was his heart was down-right hammering like crazy in his chest.</p><p>"No, it's okay, I was just-" Castiel gestured around with his arms. “I needed a break, so I came here because I didn’t think anyone else would come. You know, out of order toilets…” He trailed off, looking more embarrassed.</p><p>Dean nodded and looked down at his little trolley of supplies. "Well, I'm here to get this place <em> in </em>order again." He stated, giving the mop bucket a light kick. "So..."</p><p>"I can help you." Castiel cut in. Dean looked up at him, surprised. "If you want." Castiel added quickly.</p><p>Dean half-frowned, half-smiled. "No, no, I wouldn't wanna keep you from class." He insisted. "You should get back to your lecture or whatever, I got this." </p><p>Castiel sighed and pursed his lips. He looked down and around him, obviously reluctant to leave. Dean cocked his head to one side. Castiel was stalling.</p><p>"What's up?" Dean inquired."You don't look too happy about going back to class, you know."</p><p>Castiel shrugged passively. He looked up at Dean again and Dean noticed he looked tired. "Nothing, no, I'm fine." Castiel said. “You’re right. I’ll just, uh, go back to class.” He gave Dean a small, sheepish smile, his lips still pressed together. Dean nodded and moved to the side as Castiel walked past him to leave.</p><p>Dean watched as he went to the door. A bit of panic formed in his throat. He swallowed it down and quickly spoke up. “I’m Dean, by the way.” he said, making Castiel pause and swivel around.</p><p> “I’m Castiel.” he answered.</p><p> <em> I know, </em>Dean thought to himself. “I’ll see you around, yeah?” He continued with a smile. Castiel smiled back, his brilliant eyes lighting up, and nodded. “Awesome.” Dean  concluded, and watched as Castiel opened the door and left the bathroom. Dean’s eyes temporarily slid down to Castiel’s ass. It looked pretty nice in those slightly tight jeans- But he quickly turned away and stared at the floor, his face hot, his mouth frozen in a smile. He set to work in getting the place clean, humming “Carry On Wayward Son” as he mopped.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sorry for the short chapter<br/>next one will be uploaded sooner and will be longer :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> A few days later, Monday of the next week, Cas stood with his back against the wall behind the auditorium. His shirt collar stuck to his neck, his hairline damp and sticky. The air was hot and humid, but a breeze blew every now and then, cooling Cas off to the best extent. He was alone, and where he was standing the world was peaceful. The faint chatter of the other students could be heard behind him, but he blocked it out and let it fade into background noise.</p><p> The moment was shattered when Charlie came up to Cas and leant against the wall next to him. But Cas didn’t complain. Charlie’s bubbliness was a bearable replacement for silence.</p><p> “What’s up, Cassie?” she voiced cheerfully.</p><p> Cas smiled. Only two people in the world ever called him ‘Cassie’; Charlie, and Cas’ older brother, Gabriel, and the two of them had never even met each other. Cas opened his eyes and glanced to the side at Charlie’s bright-smiling face. </p><p> “Nothing. Just standing around.” he replied. </p><p> “So, are you up for coffee?” Charlie asked. “Me and Jo were planning on going down to ‘<em>Phileas Fogg</em>’ to hang out. I might bring another friend with me, if he’s available.”</p><p> Cas turned to Charlie fully, squinting through the sunlight. In her eyes there was some sort of playful glimmer, for some unknown reason that intrigued Cas. He smiled.</p><p> “Yeah, okay.” was his answer.</p><p> She grinned and stood up from the wall. “Great, come on.”</p><p> Cas followed her down the path back to the courtyard of the main building. It was significantly emptier than before, with almost all the students having filed out a while ago. Everyone had gone home, either to Cas’ neighbourhood, or some other nearby town. No one lived on Campus, there weren’t any lodging areas or dorms. All that was left of that day was just a few professors scattered here and there, students staying late for private sessions or just to hang around a little longer, and the staff. </p><p> Cas saw Dean before Dean saw Cas. And Charlie was going straight to him. Cas glanced down at the ground and pushed his hands into his jeans pockets. He and Dean hadn’t really spoken since their first encounter in that bathroom. They’d passed each other in the halls at times, but then the only exchange was a smile or a nod. But it was always enough to leave Cas with a warm tingling in his chest. </p><p> “Hey, Dean!” Charlie called out as they approached the young janitor. </p><p> Cas looked up at the same time as Dean and their eyes locked for a second. Cas felt his cheeks warm a little as Dean’s tanned, freckled face crumpled into a grin. Cas smiled shyly back and lifted his hand in a small wave. He stopped next to Charlie, who had already begun chatting away to Dean.</p><p> Cas watched the two of them talk, standing a little to the side. Charlie was positively glowing, she looked so fond of Dean. In Dean’s eyes there was also a hint of great affection, but not in a romantic or sexual way. They looked at each other and spoke to each other like true friends. It made Cas smile.</p><p> “So anyway, I’m rambling. But I gotta introduce you to my friend-” Charlie laughed lightly and gestured to Cas.</p><p> “We’ve met.” Dean said, his eyes slightly closed as he squinted against the sun. His eyelashes were a dark blonde like his hair, and were so long, they cast shadows on his cheeks. He turned his attention to Cas for a moment, smiling, then looked back at Charlie. </p><p> Charlie faltered for just a fraction of a second, looking from Dean to Cas with an unreadable expression. Then she grinned and clapped Dean on the shoulder. “Perfect.” she exclaimed. “Now let’s go for coffee.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> <em>Phileas Fogg </em>was a relatively old cafe in the town Cas lived in. It had been around since the late 50s and had changed owners and styles a lot over the years, but had always kept the same name. At the time Charlie took them there, it was a steampunk inspired cafe. It had a steamy atmosphere, with cogwheel wallpaper and machinery style chairs and tables, and was always warm, no matter what the weather was outside. </p><p> Charlie, Jo, Dean and Cas took the bus from the University back to the town. The cafe was right in the centre, with the tiny suburbs surrounding it, and a few other high-street stores, like a small, concrete woods. It took a short ten minutes to get there, with the stops and everything. The journey was mostly Charlie talking excitedly, Jo butting in with the odd blunt comment and sarcastic remark, Dean laughing and occasionally asking things, and Cas sitting contentedly between them, quiet and smiling. </p><p> The cafe was a small-ish boxhouse on the main road, between a grocery store and the post office. It looked pretty tight, but was actually pretty spacious inside, as well as cosy. Jo led the four of them inside, and Cas smiled when Dean gasped softly when they walked in. It was definitely a strange sight to see for the first time. The look of fascination on Dean's face made Cas grin like an idiot, it was so cute. </p><p> Charlie sat at a table near the till in the corner, the other three sat with her and immediately launched into conversation. Dean commented on how 'awesome this place is' and Charlie assured him that the coffee was ultimately better than the decor. They carried on like that, making friendly small talk, while Cas sat quietly, just listening. He already knew most of what Jo and Charlie told Dean, and never felt like he needed to make any contributions.</p><p> But he grew more and more fascinated by Dean Winchester as the conversation went on. Dean spent most of the conversations listening and laughing, making witty remarks, teasing Charlie and poking fun at Jo, but when he spoke about himself he became more repressed and serious, sometimes laughing softly like he was embarrassed. He never went into much detail, which made Cas painfully curious. </p><p> Dean told them about his busy father and his awesome younger brother. He talked about his old job as a mechanic at his Uncle Bobby's Auto Shop. He explained why he'd moved to Wyoming and what the hell he was doing being a janitor at the college. He spoke casually, but there was an undertone of something like wistfulness and regret. Charlie and Jo laughed when he told them he'd only come here because picked a random spot on the map that was close enough to Lawrence, Kansas without actually being in Kansas, but for some reason Cas wondered if it wasn't really something Dean would laugh about. Cas figured that Dean had deliberately not gone too far from home because he didn't want to be away from his brother. I mean, the way he talked about Sam, it was like he was describing some adorable, talented and smart puppy. Or the sun itself. Cas could relate to that. He too loved his little sister Anna so deeply, and he could never imagine moving away from her or living anywhere without her. Maybe Dean regretted leaving Lawrence. Maybe he'd left because of something he'd done, or something had happened that haunted him, and there was a part of him that wished it never had, so he could just go home.</p><p> Cas tried not to dwell on it. He couldn't just sit there speculating things about a guy he barely knew. </p><p> The conversation took a turn when Charlie got up to talk to the guy at the counter. "We've been sitting here, yakking, for so long and Dean still hasn't tried their heavenly coffee." she said as she stood up. A few minutes passed, and Jo also stood up to use the restroom. </p><p> Cas felt his pulse quicken as she left the table. He watched her for a moment, before turning to look at Dean. He suddenly felt his chest tighten. Dean was smiling at him, in a sort of teasing way.</p><p> "You don't talk much, huh?" he said, leaning in a little and folding his hands on the table. </p><p> Cas calmed himself a little, but it was a little overwhelming, having someone so funny and interesting and breathtakingly beautiful sitting so close to him and looking at him so intently. He managed a short, sheepish smile. "I don't have much to talk about." he replied. "Charlie and Jo say it all, anyway ."</p><p> Dean laughed shortly. "Well, I've heard enough from those two." he joked. "But I don't know much about you, except that you're the smartest and most loyal guy Charlie knows and that you wanna be a writer."</p><p> Cas felt a little flustered by that. Charlie really said that about him? He felt a smile spread on his lips, and exhaled a little laugh. "Well, I don't know about smart, but it's true that I want to be a writer."</p><p> "Why?"</p><p> That question surprised Cas. But, strangely, it also pleased him. Usually, people ask "What will you write about?" or "Are you writing anything at the moment?", or even "What if what you write never gets published?" and "How are you going to make money from that?". But Dean had just asked "Why?", and that was a question Cas had been wanting to tell someone the answer to for a long time. But nobody had ever asked it, not even Rachel or Anna, who had always been the biggest supporters of Cas' dream.</p><p> Cas paused to think how to put his thoughts into words, the smile on his face widening. He knew the answer already, he'd known it for a long time. But he'd never really said it out loud. And here was someone he'd practically just met, and Cas was about to tell him.</p><p> "There are lot of answers to that question." He began, staring at a spot on the table in front of him as he carefully dropped each word from his tongue. "But the bottom line is that I want to create, and I want to excite and entertain people with what I create. I suppose I want to be the reason someone feels something. I want to make someone smile and inspire them, even if it was just one person, it would really... mean a lot to me. And the idea of leaving something behind when I'm gone, something that will last forever, it comforts me."</p><p> When Dean didn't reply, Cas looked up at him. There was a strange expression on his face. Cas squinted a little and tilted his head, the way he always did when he was confused or thoughtful. Dean glanced up at him and his expression briefly morphed into embarrassment, before changing back to a laid-back smile.</p><p> "Well, I hope you get to do that, man," he said. "From what Charlie tells me, you're pretty damn awesome."</p><p> There was warmth in his voice and smile. Cas blushed, and immediately wished he hadn't. He forced the heat out of his cheeks and tried to smile in a way that didn't show he was extremely, bashfully flattered. Dean was smiling in a way that made Cas feel like a huge idiot. He'd been struck a little speechless, so he was relieved when Jo and Charlie both returned with the coffee. The conversation carried on as it had been, Dean smiling and laughing and nodding ("Man, you were right, Charlie, this coffee is-" "Awesome?" "Yeah, it's awesome!"), Charlie and Jo talking and teasing each other, and Cas quietly taking it all in. The only difference was, Cas' heart was beating infinitely faster than before, and the giddiness he was feeling was like something he'd never experienced before.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> Cas spent the entire journey home slightly out of breath. They'd all gotten on the bus back to the Campus, and Dean had gotten off with Jo. Jo lived further out of town, so Dean offered her a lift in the Impala. Charlie and Cas had sat together, Charlie sharing her old walkman so they could listen to George Michael and Elton John and Madonna together. Neither Charlie nor Cas were huge fans of that genre of music, the "mainstream pop", but it was stuff Charlie's mother had put on the walkman, and the two friends had a good time making fun of some of the songs that played, singing along mockingly. Charlie was lot more enthusiastic than Cas, holding up an invisible microphone, singing confidently along to every song, even when she didn't know the lyrics, as loud as the other passengers would let her. Cas just sat there, swaying to the beat, singing only the bits he knew and grinning at Charlie's hilarity. The whole time he was a little bit distracted.</p><p> The bus reached Cas' stop first, and Charlie bid a dramatic farewell, worthy of Shakespeare, to him when he stood up. Cas responded with an equally deep felt speech, ending with a "See you tomorrow", and got off the bus with a smile on his flushed face. </p><p> The house was quiet. His father was snoring in the living room and Anna was probably in her room, most likely doing her homework. Or maybe she'd sneaked onto the chunky old computer in their father's study and was surfing through the fansites for her favourite bands and TV shows. </p><p>  Cas made his way to his bedroom, his mind on fast and unclear thinking mode. He leaned back against the door as it shut and let out a deep breath. He could feel the ground moving beneath him and the room kept tipping like a see-saw. He raised a hand to his head and ran his fingers through his hair. </p><p> Crazy what a day can bring.</p><p> Crazy. Cas was crazy. He wasn't in control of his thoughts at all. Every time he tried to think of something else, his mind just kept going back to Dean. Dean's eyes, his lips, his jawline, his hair, voice, laugh, smile. The way he talked to Charlie and Jo, they way he spoke about his brother Sam, the way he bit his lip as he was thinking, the way he'd acted towards Cas. </p><p> Cas let out a deep sigh and collapsed onto his bed, his head hitting the pillow with a soft whoomph. He kicked his shoes off and listened to them landing with a thump at the foot of his bed. He tried to focus on the little things around, but yet again his mind was filled with Dean. The adrenaline running through Cas would not die down. How was it possible for another human being to make him feel like this?</p><p> Cas reached for his pill bottle and took one with a long drink from his water bottle he kept by his bed. As he let the pill kick in and settle his hormones down, he slid off the bed and knelt down by the box under his bed. Inside was his journal, his many notebooks filled with poems and stories and random crap, a photo of him and Gabe as kids, sitting on their smiling Mother's lap, and large collection of tapes. Radiohead, Oasis, The Beatles, U2, R.E.M., and a large variety of solo artists, indie and alt rock bands, and gooey love songs Anna had managed to get him into.  He pulled out his favourite mixtape and slotted it into the cassette player that sat on a shelf above his bed. </p><p> Cas turned the volume up as 'Last Night On Earth' by U2 started playing. He let himself fall back onto his bed with a smile. His songs were probably the only bridge he had to the outside world. They let him transport himself into a peaceful, black void, filling his senses, letting him float on the surface of the music. He was finally released from the new and strange things he'd been feeling not two minutes ago. He let the lyrics fill his head, and sank into the flow of the mixtape.</p>
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